The Single Act of Forgiveness that Led Me to God

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Bitter and Unforgiving: God Exposed The Spiritual Roots of My Life

When our family left the United States to move to Switzerland, I thought I had successfully outrun all of my problems, especially the relational ones. However, anyone with the slightest bit of understanding knows that wherever one goes, there they are.

I hadn’t outrun anything, I’d just relocated halfway across the world with my immediate family.  

My heart was every bit as embittered, wounded, proud, and hateful as it had been before we arrived at our new home outside of Zürich.

Inwardly I was absolutely delighted by the distance between me and certain members of my extended family. My bitter heart rejoiced,“Now that we live overseas, I’ll never have to see or speak to the people in my family that I can’t stand. Thank you, Lord! Good riddens!”

Tragically, there was nothing about my perspective or attitude that raised a red flag in my own awareness.

There was not a single shred of Christlikeness in my heart.

I didn’t know it at the time, but there was a good reason for that.

I didn’t belong to Christ and I didn't know Him. 

By background, I grew up in a conservative Christian environment. But, I rarely saw genuine love and holiness modeled among the extended members of my family.

Routinely, I observed pride, jealousy, competitiveness, slander, backbiting, bitterness, envy, and selfishness. What I saw in my family's relational dynamics were the works of the flesh on full display. This was for me normal behavior.

And it is normal behavior...for those that belong to the world.

Truth be told, I whole-heartedly practiced these sins myself. It was common for us to feign love in each other’s faces but then viciously devour one another behind each other’s backs.   

Being offended with one another and holding a grudge was our way of life. That was how I lived. So greatly was I deceived that I actually believed that I belonged to Jesus despite all the evidence to the contrary.

God’s Invitation into Forgiveness

There was a very close family member that I had come to hate. 

I could barely speak to that person without being cold-hearted and intentionally hurtful.

My focus, like a heat seeking missile, was programmed to magnify their faults and minimize anything worthy of praise. I had absolutely no love in my heart for that person anymore at all. 

We had once been extremely close as children. But in early adulthood, everything changed. 

There had been a thousand little tears in the fabric in our relationship throughout the years. But at a certain point, our relational ties ripped completely. Our interactions turned into outright hostility and we could barely speak a kind word to each other.

Shortly after we settled into our new life overseas, I began hearing from this person often. 

There was something unusual about the frequency with which they started reaching out to me. I started hearing from them more than when we lived near each other in the same city! 

Outraged, whenever I’d receive a call from them, I was intentionally as rude as I could be to let them know I didn’t want to hear from or talk to them. 

I did this by only answering their questions or inquires with “yes” or “no” in a short and tone. I signaled as strongly (but indirectly) as I could, “Stop calling me!!! Leave me alone! I just want peace.”

Strangely, I couldn’t stop thinking about that person. 

The situation was weird. My thoughts became obsessive. No matter what I was doing, my every waking thought would somehow lead back to them. 

It was inescapable. Pervasive. Frustrating. Like an irritating water drip to the center of my forehead.

I could not imagine why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about that person. There was nothing more that I wanted than to pretend as if they didn’t exist at all.

After several months of this torturous cycle, I began to wonder if God was behind the scenes orchestrating it all.

It wasn’t long before I understood that was the explanation for what had been unfolding!

God was bringing this person before me because He wanted me to forgive them.

Even after realizing that’s what was going on, I still tried to ignore God’s prompting. I outright refused to let go of all the hurt I felt they’d caused me through the years.

One day, the Holy Spirit spoke directly to my spirit, ”You have to forgive them”. 

I was emphatic in response, “No! I can’t. There’s been too much damage”.

But God insisted. He wore me down until I just couldn’t take it anymore.

My Decision to Obey God

Truthfully, I yielded only because God insisted on it. If He hadn’t, I would never have taken the next steps that shifted the entire trajectory of my life.

After I reluctantly decided to obey Him, I carved out a whole day to pray about my hurts to the Lord. 

I was honest with him about not knowing how to let go of the bitterness, pain, and hatred in my heart.

Even without the know-how of how to proceed, I made a decision that I would not get up off of my knees until I’d truly forgiven this person in my heart and released them from any responsibility of the wounds I’d believed they’d directly caused.

A rare event for me, I poured my heart out to the Lord unabashedly. 

I recounted to God everything that person did to me: every hurtful word, every betrayal. Each damaging action I remembered being like a dagger driven ever deeper into my bruised and broken heart. I shared with the Lord how these interactions made me feel.  Itemizing every single wound they’d caused, I went into granular detail about the impact their words and attitudes had on me, my decisions, my self-worth, and my relationships with others in our family.

I held nothing back. 

I cried. I wailed. 

I was completely vulnerable before God. Spiritually nude before the Lord, I mourned at the throne of grace, emotionally stripped. 

Not realizing it at the time, God was actually teaching me how to come into an intimate relationship with him in spirit and in truth. It would be nearly two years later before that lesson got settled in my heart.

Hours went by.

When I finished praying, I felt as if a massive weight had been removed from off my shoulders.

Something in my soul shifted that day.

From that point on, whenever the enemy tried to remind me of the wounds that person had caused, instead of ruminating over every offense, I began to respond differently.

I spoke out loud, “I’ve already forgiven this person for that. It’s done. They owe me nothing.”

The reminders of the past came frequently, so I spoke out the truth as often as I thought of the past hurts.

Eventually, the Holy Spirit prompted me to begin blessing that person out loud.

So, I did it with gusto!

I began to bless them personally, speaking increase and protection over their marriage, their family, career, belongings, health…everything related to their life. 

That tactic stopped the enemy from bringing it up again.  He fled and the reminders of the past stopped altogether!

The Benefit of Walking in Forgiveness. 

That one act of forgiveness changed my personality. Afterwards, I was able to connect better with other people. I had become completely closed off emotionally from trauma and woundedness. Even though I enjoyed fellowshipping with others to some extend, my heart remained closed to true intimacy with others as well as with God himself. This one act of forgivebess was the beginning of God binding up my broken heart.

On a walk in the nearby woods days later, my husband, totally taken aback by the sudden change in my demeanor, commented, “Wow! Switzerland is really good for you. You’re thriving here!”  

He was not aware of the link between my choice to forgive and my overnight personality change.

It wasn’t Switzerland that was responsible for this tectonic shift. 

My obedience to the Lord was the cause. I received a measure of freedom from the Lord, because I had been delivered from spirits of unforgiveness and bitterness.

After some months, the Lord directed me to reach out and ask for forgiveness from the person who’d been the source of all my hurt! He wanted me to ask forgiveness for harboring bitterness and anger in my heart towards them for so many years.

The Lord impressed upon my heart to have no expectations that I’d hear any apologies from them. This process He was taking me through was about me, not them. God wanted to set me totally free from the bondage of unforgiveness so that it would never spring up into my life again.

From that point on, whenever I spoke to that person, I had peace in my heart. Cautious and tentative at the beginning of re-establishing genuine connection, eventually I began to relax into our relationship again - just like it was when we were children.  

About a year later, the Holy Spirit let me know through a vision that our relationship was completely restored.

He gave me a vision of us playing like children together, but in our adult forms. We were holding hands and dancing in complete joy and abandonment. 

Considering where we had gotten to in our resentment towards one another, I never thought true reconciliation would be possible!

But, God is the God of the impossible!

My decision to forgive unlocked everything in my journey with Jesus.

I know with complete certainty that if I had chosen not to obey, I would’ve stayed in darkness and bondage. Continued unforgiveness would have separated me eternally from the lover of my soul.

Thankfully, I took a major step toward the Lord, and because I did it opened up the door for an even greater encounter with the Lord.

Is there someone you need to forgive?

Beloved, as you read my story about forgiveness, did the Lord put anyone on your heart? Is there some undeserving person to whom the Spirit is prompting you to show mercy?

Please don't harden your heart any longer. Your decision to forgive is the key to unlocking freedom and victory! Listen to the gentle voice of the Lord. Be willing and obedient. Go to Him in prayer. He's seated on the mercy seat waiting to hear from you right now.

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